August 5th, 2002


I'm stressed.

I wish I wasn't so worried and stressed-out. I keep thinking about jobs and grad school. Everything I see seems to want me to know exactly what I want to do, what I want to research. It's like when I was in highschool and was suddenly forced to make a decision of what I wanted to do with my life. I figure I've narrowed it down to a specific interest/field - isn't that enough? Apparently it's not. *sigh*

Add to this a general feeling of inadequacy. I do not feel prepared for any kind of job or research beyond what is basically menial tasks. I see the guys at Dyn talking about all sorts of things I don't understand. I wish I was a good coder. I wish I had some real skills, instead of just being able to make suggestions that are a pain in the butt to implement. But I can't just learn a programming language - I need to have something specific to accomplish... preferably several somethings so I really get the language down. And I'm still not very good at it.

I'm also worried about money and a job for this school year. I think I'm going to have to apply for a job as an SA, but I can't be sure until krellis and the other guys agree whether I'll still be paid during the school year or not. I wish I knew what was going on with that.

I wish I was useful. I wish I could GET a job. I wish I knew what's really required of me. I wish I could get a car so I could get a job. I wish I wasn't so worried about everything when there's so little I can do about it.
  • Current Music
    TV - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Yet another rant about the same stuff. (I can't get it off my mind)

I am sick and tired of not having a car, and not having a "real" job. I'd really like to be earning more than $100-$150/week. Of course, that's not going to be possible during the school year anyway, but that's beside the point.

God must be trying to teach me a lesson about when to depend on others and when to stand up and do things myself. I guess I have it all turned around right now. I'd really like someone else to do all the work in applying to schools and whatnot, but I have to buckle up to doing that - essays, GRE, getting recommendations, the works. On the other hand, I'm having very little luck in providing for myself or trying to find a job myself - so I guess in that area I need to depend on other people, specifically nightskyre and my parents. I really want to be self-sufficient.. or at least have the illusion that I am. But I'm going to have to sit down with my dad next week and tell him exactly how much money I'm going to need this year, and for what (GRE, grad applications, voice lessons so I can get my Humanities project done). I'm probably still going to be asking for money for books and food and stuff on top of that. I'd also really like to be responsible for my own job - but that's only going to happen if I'm an SA. I've "applied" within the CS department, and I've looked around all day for how to apply in the Math department with no luck. I have a feeling it's getting awfully late for this stuff, especially for the fall. I'd prefer to not work at all this school year, as I have my MQP and grad school, etc. to worry about, but I need the money too much. So I'm probably going to end up depending on Nightskyre to drive me to and from the same job he's planning on continuing in - IF I can get into the job for the fall.

I'd like to talk to someone who's been through all of this before - especially the nervousness about what comes after WPI, and what they did to deal with it. Unfortunately, the only person I can think of is my mom, and all she's going to do is tell me how I should have stayed home this summer because I could have made so much more money.

Why does life have to be so hard? I can't wait for school to start so I have something else to think about other than how worried I am about my future. Over this, homework is a breeze.
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    scared scared