Anitra Smith (anitra) wrote,
Anitra Smith

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Ramblings on Singing

I've been thinking lately, reconsidering my decision to drop out of choir at WPI. I keep seeing all the cool stuff they're going to be doing this coming year... and I really miss singing in a choir. Singing hymns at church just doesn't cut it. Taking voice lessons helps, but I've always felt more comfortable being the strong voice in a choir than forced to confront my own weaknesses in solo singing. ;-)

On the other hand, I still don't like the new choir director. I just don't get along with his style very well. Also, if I rejoin at this point, I will no longer have the opportunity to be in a co-ed choir, I'll have to be in Alden Voices instead. I guess I don't mind the all-girls thing as much as I used to, at least as far as singing is concerned, but I still prefer a mixed group. Guys are just more fun!

I'm also worried that rejoining choir would hurt my work in school (and out of it, if I still have a job with Dyn after summer's over). I know this year is going to be really busy, and I have to get a lot done.

The top thing I'm nervous about is that I wouldn't enjoy it if I went back. I don't want to go because I feel obligated, I want to go because I'm enjoying it. And I know the concerts have an uncanny way of cutting into my most important weekends.

I'm so confused. I miss singing - it was a major part of my life for 10 years. That's half my lifetime... I feel.... like less of a person without it. It's the one activity that held my life together - from elementary school all the way up through college; no matter what else was going on in my life, I still had choir, at least once a week. And choir was fun. I got to sing great pieces of music, with other talented singers, and prepare for concerts that people really enjoyed. Singing on my own just isn't the same. I miss the camraderie. I miss having someone to really push me to challenge myself. My voice lessons give me so much freedom - but I don't even know where to start. I want someone to keep showing me what great music is out there. I want a reason to practice, to really get the music mastered, especially when it's difficult.

I want to sing more by Mozart and Handel and Gershwin. I miss the chance to enjoy the creative genius of these composers - the creativity that I envy, because I know I don't have it. Talent I have, some might even say too much talent for just another techie geek... but I wish I could write just one song as beautiful as those men did. I wish I could write something, perform something, and be remembered, be noticed - not by the whole world, I'm not that conceited - but by a group larger than just my family? Singing the music of the great composers is the closest I'll ever get to that. I think I need to keep doing it. I want to use the small talent I have.

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