Anitra Smith (anitra) wrote,
Anitra Smith

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I'm stressed.

I wish I wasn't so worried and stressed-out. I keep thinking about jobs and grad school. Everything I see seems to want me to know exactly what I want to do, what I want to research. It's like when I was in highschool and was suddenly forced to make a decision of what I wanted to do with my life. I figure I've narrowed it down to a specific interest/field - isn't that enough? Apparently it's not. *sigh*

Add to this a general feeling of inadequacy. I do not feel prepared for any kind of job or research beyond what is basically menial tasks. I see the guys at Dyn talking about all sorts of things I don't understand. I wish I was a good coder. I wish I had some real skills, instead of just being able to make suggestions that are a pain in the butt to implement. But I can't just learn a programming language - I need to have something specific to accomplish... preferably several somethings so I really get the language down. And I'm still not very good at it.

I'm also worried about money and a job for this school year. I think I'm going to have to apply for a job as an SA, but I can't be sure until krellis and the other guys agree whether I'll still be paid during the school year or not. I wish I knew what was going on with that.

I wish I was useful. I wish I could GET a job. I wish I knew what's really required of me. I wish I could get a car so I could get a job. I wish I wasn't so worried about everything when there's so little I can do about it.


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