Anitra Smith (anitra) wrote,
Anitra Smith

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My father is not a bastard.

I talked to my dad on the phone tonight. I still love him. Eventually, he may be able to rebuild the trust he's lost. He claims he was trying to tell me these things (who the woman was, that he had started seeing her again, etc.), but that I seemed to be trying to avoid it - which is likely true. It's not an easy subject to deal with.

I still don't like his explanation of why anullment would be ok. Something about "it acknowledges that it only had the appearance of a marriage, something was terribly wrong".. I don't buy it. He loved my mom at some point, even if he has managed to delude himself into thinking otherwise.

He told me how proud he is of me, and what a good daughter I am, and how much he loves me. Nice to know, but it doesn't really make it better. After my initial outburst Monday night, I knew he still loved me, and that he was concerned about me. But he and my mother have both continually lied to me about what was going on; not actively, but passively, by not telling me what was wrong!

It does hurt to see that my parents are human, fallible. It is truly disturbing to realize I am acting like more of an adult in this mess than either of them are. My mother whines about how she's not getting what she deserves, that she can't make a living for herself, and blames my father for.. well, everything, and finds fault in almost everything he does. My father is doing the "mid-life crisis" thing; living like a grad student, screwing around with this other woman and integrating himself into her life while trying to pretend there was never anything between him and my mother.

I wish I could stay close to my parents, but they cause me too much pain, and I can't deal with the burden of taking responsibility for their actions. I will still visit them and talk to them - but I would never move back in with either of them; nor would I willingly live close to either of them. I hope that most people's growing-up process is not as painful and distancing as mine.
Tags: family

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