Anitra Smith (anitra) wrote,
Anitra Smith

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I need friends.

Another weekend has gone by, and I didn't actually do anything. I got groceries on Saturday, and I was going to go out, but I was tired, and by the time I felt ready to go somewhere, I didn't feel there was enough time left to be worth it. I did, however, go to the pub for 45 minutes or so. This morning, I went to church, got back around 1, was thinking of places to go, and then remembered I had to go to dinner at a professor's tonight (just got back, in fact.) Loose time constraints like this always seem too constraining to make a trip out to see the sites too short to be worth it.

I've been quite a loner lately. I like being alone sometimes, and I can still enjoy it somewhat here, but I can't handle it all the time. When it gets too bad, I let myself get dragged places I don't really want to go, with people I couldn't care less about.

I tell myself I'm lonely here, that I wish my friends were here. This is all true. However, I think to myself - why don't I make some friends here? I think the real answer is that I don't WANT to. I don't want to be friends with any of the people here. Casual acquaintances, sure. The kind you go out with when you've got nothing else to do. But I'm not ready to open myself up to any of them. Not to the level I do with my friends. I think that's the root of my problem.

I just can't motivate myself to go anywhere alone. But I need to get out of the flat and do something fun. I have to get out of here tomorrow. Only 5 weeks left. Only 5 weeks.

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